Honey, I shrunk myself so I could live in the jack-o’-lantern on the front steps.

and I don’t regret it one bit.

Please don’t be mad. You know how much I love October. You’ve always wanted me to pursue what’s best for me, right? Last week when I said I wish I was that scarecrow who got to hang out in the cornfield with pumpkins all day, I realized something. I wasn’t living authentically. Every time I walked by the jack-o’-lantern on our front steps and saw it sitting uninhabited, the soft flicker of candlelight flowing through the triangular-chiseled eye holes like an autumn sanctuary beckoning to me in the night, I knew it was time for me to move in and begin a journey of autumnal immersion. How else could I really be with and get to know the one I love on a more personal level (it’s fall in October if you haven’t figured that out)?

You’re probably wondering why I didn’t just book myself a foliage tour with an overnight stay at a cabin in Vermont. Wouldn’t this accomplish the same thing? NO. I felt a compelling need to be fully immersed in the midst of autumn rather than a mere third-party to the season.

I know what this might look like to you, that I’m leaving you for a fleeting October fantasy. But I can assure you this is not the case. I will be right outside the front door. You can come pop the top off and say hello any time you need to. Although I highly discourage this since you will be interrupting my alone time with October. Tell the kids I’m on “holiday” or that I was abducted by aliens…I’m sure you’ll figure out something believable to tell them.

I plan to live off the land in here. Roasting seeds over the tea light candle and sewing sweaters from the threads of the pumpkin’s inner walls. So, don’t worry about me surviving against the elements. I have no doubt that the jack-o’-lantern will provide for me.

I’ve already informed my employer that I will be taking an October autumnal sabbatical. And it thrills me that I will have complete silence in my jack-o’-lantern. I will not hear the nagging voices of my colleagues “Amy, do you have the Excel sheets ready for our 2:00 presentation about Excel sheets?”, “Amy, you know your lunch break is only supposed to be 25 minutes right? You were gone for 4 hours!”, “Amy, did you eat my lunch again? I wrote my name on it for a reason!”, “Amy…Amy…AMY!”

Unfortunately, HR said that the term October autumnal sabbatical sounded made up and I was promptly fired. So, for the season, you’re on your own paying the mortgage and bills. I know this might make you angry, and come as a surprise, but just remember honey, I am deeply engrossed in my autumnal bliss and cannot be disturbed.

I will only hear the natural sounds of October as the leaves dance to the ground and will be lulled to sleep by the sound of crisp air as it whirls through the jack-o’-lantern’s carved mouth.

I will be here until the first frost gracefully traces along the leaves that are scattered amongst the browning grass of the front yard. Or at least until the squirrels decide to descend upon this jack-o’-lantern and aggressively tear it to shreds. I will then regretfully disembark and unshrink myself (tentatively).

My soul will be rejuvenated in this jack-o’-lantern. It will truly be a magical autumnal awakening experience. By the way, I put my iPhone down the garbage disposal since I will not need it anymore. Please don’t be mad, or try to call me. I needed to be fully unplugged to be fully engaged with the season.

Much of my time will be spent meditating until I become one spirit with the jack-o’-lantern. You may smell an herby vapor seeping out through the pumpkin’s crevasses; I will be smoking herbal cornucopias packed with crisp maple leaves and pumpkin guts (keep the kids away!). It’s part of the process and I expect to see life-altering visions. Maybe I will discover I am October, or that the spirit of October lies within. Maybe it is within all of us. It remains to be seen.

You may also hear the faint sound of scribbling emanating from the pumpkin. That will be me penning my new book: Amy-O’-Lantern: How I Found the Spirit of October in the Middle of a Pumpkin. Sounds like a bestseller, right?

I’ve already begun planning for next year. We can add a whole patch of jack-o’-lantern yurts where kindred spirits can join in this October autumnal immersion.

All is possible. And please, PLEASE don’t be mad, maybe next year you can bask in autumnal glory with me.

Comedy/humor writer. Bozo navigating a serious world.