HGTV discovers that crappy pumpkin on your front step and plans to turn it into the jack-o-lantern of home buyers’ dreams

Let’s take a look at the blueprint

We walked up your front steps and saw this absolute nightmare of a pumpkin! Yuck how embarrassing! Before even stepping inside I can tell this is going to be a total gut job. For one, it’s outdated. And two, it lacks a LOT of the modern features buyers are looking for. You’ve probably never thought about selling this thing but a pumpkin is an investment and with some major renovations I think we can really have this flop turned into a home buyer’s dream in only a few weeks!

Step one: Roof installation

No wonder you have no bids on your pumpkin yet. There’s no roof! “Yay I can’t WAIT to live in a place with no roof” — said NO ONE ever.

Step two: Gut the inside

The whole icky inside needs to be gutted before anyone even THINKS about setting foot inside. We will get the demo team in there and have the whole thing gutted in 7 hours so we can begin the rest of the renovation.

Step three: Windows, windows, windows!

Time to punch up the natural light inside and get the space feeling “airy”. Our contractors will knock out some frames and then install top-of-the-line windows. Once you whisper the words “energy efficient” buyers will be bidding top dollar for this place!

Step four: Who doesn’t love french doors?

We really shouldn’t cheap out on the doors. Buyers can easily spot where sellers have cut corners. Your pumpkin should have a show stopping entrance which is why we plan to install amazing french doors that will have buyers voluntarily waltzing into the place.

Step five: Time for some new flooring

Spongey, orange flooring was outdated in 1973. It has got to go. We’ll get a subfloor laid down and install some modern engineered hardwood floors in a rich cherry mahogany that will really pop with the orange walls.

Step six: Subway tile chimney to the rescue!

Buyers love fireplaces, and they love subway tile even more. That’s why we plan to install a GAS fireplace plastered with a gray subway tile. This fireplace will cozy this pumpkin right up and have buyers feeling right at home.

Step seven: Let there be light!

The details count when buyers are purchasing potential homes. One of the final showstoppers that will be installed is a stunning chandelier that will dangle gracefully in the middle of the pumpkin. Bringing a sense of unity to the whole interior space.

Time to put it on the market!

Finally, something that buyers will not be running away from! We will stage the pumpkin with fun, modern pieces and add some curb appeal to really “wow” potential buyers. The price of your pumpkin before the renovation was around $17. WITH all the renovations completed and looking at local comps, I feel confident we can list it for an asking price of $573,000. Talk about equity! And am I sensing there will be a bidding war? You betcha!

Comedy writer, nacho enthusiast, named after a restaurant that has 3.5 stars on Yelp.

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