Think you got what it takes to surf the web in our restaurant?

Listen, we here at Lucky’s café technically offer complimentary Wi-Fi, but that doesn’t mean we actually want you hogging up our precious bandwidth. We just want to keep up the charade that we have souls. However, if you’re willing to answer some DEEPLY invasive questions and provide us with some VERY personal deets, we might CONSIDER giving you access. Answer these questions truthfully, and you’ll be free to log into your Instagram and post a picture of your plate of mozzarella sticks for your 13 followers, or whatever it is you do on the internet:

1. Which of our employees…

NEW YORK CITY, NY — Yesterday at New York City’s last, surviving improv theater, The Rusted Jug in the bowels of Midtown, Miranda Jones, improviser, asked out Barry Wilkinson, 32-year old teammate and craft beer enthusiast.

The improv group, The Cursed Larrys, had wrapped up another high-octane, late-night show with a packed house of five people. They headed backstage where another bizarre and cringey scene unfolded, worse than the one they just did in front of their “sold out” audience.

In yet another post-show downward spiral, Barry began to hyper-analyze his famed goldfish impression that Lorne Michaels reviewed as “something…

You wanna unfollow me? Ya sure about that?

­­­­PORTLAND, ME — Amy Winters awoke on Sunday morning to anyone’s worst nightmare. “It looks like I’ve lost some Instagram followers after posting a joke about my cat, Mr. Mittens, being my husband,” she said. Winters then went to her Twitter page in search of her follower count only to see it had dropped from 142 followers to 140 followers. “You know I usually don’t get mad, ever,” she said to her roommate as she stared closer into her laptop screen, “but these bozos will pay!”

Winters, said to have been humming the Jaws theme song, then opened an Excel…

Mansfield, MA — Local Dad, Greg Shaw, is planning on spending a full week in aisle 9 at The Home Depot. “I’m in need of a new light bulb for the garage and a few other necessities like duct tape and a driveway reflector so I’ll really need as much time as I can get.” When asked where he would be staying in there he replied “in the kitchen section obviously, there’s a reason they have model kitchens and bathrooms there. For Dads like me who need to pick out urgent necessities.”

We pressed Greg why he would need a…

From hopeful office workers to desperate Moms, people across America are begging Bigfoot to finally come forward and answer their latest letters.


Happy Friday Bigfoot!

My name’s Bianca, and I work at Sasquatch Shoes. I took this job believing the company culture centered around you. But my cocky coworker Morgan tells me the company name is a joke and is demanding I stop using company email to circulate “clickbait” like “Bigfoot spotted ordering a Frappuccino at Portland Starbucks.” I’m not sure what clickbait is, I literally only share relevant news.

Come show my coworkers the legend of the ape man…

The ultimate tip sheet for raising yourself courtesy of your Mommy’s employer.

They said babies couldn’t read memos. Well, who’s laughing now? (photo credit Pixabay from Pexels)

Your Mommy’s maternity leave has come to an end — happily for us! We hope you’re getting used to being alive newborn. You’ve had Mommy now for a whole two weeks! No hogging — It’s our turn! Thank god, right? We know she must have desperately missed being with the team. Well, she popped you out and did what she needed to do and now it’s time we get her back! Hooray! We promised Mom we got childcare covered with a special benefit in her employment package — this newborn self-care tip sheet with a few goodies included!

1. Feeding

Because an open mic is nothing without a quirky pair of glasses.

The Harry Potter

The audience will look at you with the same respect Hogwarts gives Harry. They might even think you are Harry. Bonus. I think? But if things go sour, hop on your imaginary Quidditch broom and get the bloody hell out of there!

The Intellectuals

“Turn around and look me in the eyes, it’s me your ornament”

It’s been thirty years but I still remember the day you first crafted me. You opened a box of dried macaroni noodles in Ms. Patton’s first grade class and hand selected each uncooked noodle like a fine artisan before dipping them haphazardly in Elmer’s glue and gluing globs of them onto a wreath-shaped piece of construction paper. It was then you gave me life as a macaroni wreath-shaped holiday ornament. And at that point, it was the best work of art you ever made.

You were so proud of me. Ms. Patton set all of us macaroni wreaths aside to…

and I don’t regret it one bit.

Please don’t be mad. You know how much I love October. You’ve always wanted me to pursue what’s best for me, right? Last week when I said I wish I was that scarecrow who got to hang out in the cornfield with pumpkins all day, I realized something. I wasn’t living authentically. Every time I walked by the jack-o’-lantern on our front steps and saw it sitting uninhabited, the soft flicker of candlelight flowing through the triangular-chiseled eye holes like an autumn sanctuary beckoning to me in the night, I knew it was time for me to move in and…

This is the 17th day in a row where Todd, resident weatherman, has reheated a bowl of spaghetti plots for dinner, leftover from hurricane tracks that never came to pass.

“I used to watch as the leftovers just got thrown in the trash over and over again, and it didn’t seem right to me. All those plots going to waste. That’s when I started bringing Tupperware to work and taking them home with me. I let the production assistant know that I will now be the one in charge of taking the spaghetti plots to the trash…Then I sneakily stuff…

Brisa Sylvestre

Comedy/humor writer. Bozo navigating a serious world.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store